10 ways Miami is the worst city ever

In the last two days, Miami was deemed both the worst and the rudest city in the United States. We hear you, America. We’re the worst.

But, hey, let us save you some trouble when you’re naming Miami as the worst in your next clickbait listicle. We actually live here. We know exactly how and why we’re the worst. Grab a cafecito. Pull up a chair. We got you.

10. Worst city for winter fashion

When the department stores roll out their winter lines, that is our cue to stop visiting the mall for a couple of months. That fluffy sweater looks so cozy. Will we buy it? Hell no. We already have a sweater for the veritable Hoth that is the office in summer A/C mode. We’ve been wearing the same coat we begged our moms for in middle school. When the temperature drops below 60, we trot that bad boy out. By now, it’s so unfashionable that it’s fashionable again.

Don't even lie, you know this Starter jacket is ?. (via etsy)
Don’t even lie, your Starter jacket is ?. (via etsy)

9. Worst city for hippie hygiene

Office A/C aside, it’s hotter than forty hells here in the summer and that crystal deodorant ish you heard about at Bonnaroo just doesn’t cut it in our swamp. We take showers here. Lots of ’em. Hell, I took three showers yesterday because I walked to the mailbox twice. Scrub-a-dub-dub, hacere. Patchouli? Nah. 40 spritzes of Cool Water in the the car before you go into the office or GTFO.

Sir, take a shower, sir.

8. Worst city for Americano fruit

To hell with your mealy apples, your stupid seedy blackberries in your grandmother’s vintage basket, your persimmons (What even is that?), your B- pears. We like our fruit delicious, thanks. Give us mango. Give us mamey. Give us sapodilla, guanabana, lychee. We don’t want your dumb pie. Our fruits don’t need to be soaked in simple syrup and papered over with pastry. Our fruits are sweet enough to eat off the damn ground, son. And when we do make fruit pies (Hey, key lime, we see you.), our pies are about that true fruit flavor.

We feel you, Rosario …

7. Worst city for Ethiopian food

OK, this one is for real, though. We’re finally getting decent Asian eats, but where is the Ethiopian food? Can someone please recruit some delightful Ethiopian chefs to come down here and end our long Sheba-less nightmare? We just Yelped “Ethiopian food” near Miami, and we got TWO hits — one in Lauderdale Lakes and a questionable listing in Boca. No. No, ma’am. What do we want? We want wot!

Nom nom nom nom. We miss you. ?  (Maurice Chédel, Wikimedia Commmons)

6. Worst city for punctuality

Miami time. It is an eternal mystery and an everlasting truth. No one can tell you exactly what it is, it’s mostly just a feeling. Best to embrace it, lest it compromise your sanity.

What even is time? We don’t know.

5. Worst city to be a Jets fan

Everybody hates you. For real. You’re the worst. Go away.

Gross.

4. Worst city for non-Spanish-speakers

How do we live here with our crappy cafeteria Spanish? We miss all the jokes. We’re never in the dopest spots. We rely on the kindness of our infinitely cooler friends or coworkers or dates. Pobrecitos.

Shakira speaks for all of your friends when they find out you don’t want to learn any Spanish.

3. Worst city for people who can’t dance

Your rhythmless half-assed indie-rock head nod isn’t gonna cut it at abuela’s birthday party, amigo. Take some lessons. Get some help. At least learn some merengue or something, jeeeeeez.

If he can do it, you can do it. ??

2. Worst city for turn signals

What is that stick on the side of the steering wheel for? We don’t know. We have never tried it. Our friend Caro said she heard it may make the car blow up if you touch it. Stay safe out there, Miami. *Taps chest, kisses fist, points up to Papa Dios.*

Miami, basically.

1. Worst city to call worst city

We’ve been hearing how terrible Miami is since the ’80s. It’s fine. Keep it up if it makes you feel better. It’s just so, so played.

Yes, we all have a lot of work to do. Yes, a lot of things are bad, real bad — gun violence, inequality and affordability, sea level rise, civic engagement, transit. We get it. Thanks for letting us know. Good work. We wouldn’t have any idea what to do without your tremendous ability to point out how shitty we are.

Guess what, though? Every day we’re here, we meet more and more people who are working their asses off on all those big problems in their neighborhoods, in our cities, in our non-profits, our arts scene, our businesses. So, yeah, we live in the worst city. Sure. Now, please excuse us as we continue to try like hell to make a future here. No thanks, of course, to your lists, which are quite possibly the worst lists in America.

We heard it the first time, bro. ?
We heard it the first time, bro. ?

 

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  • artberkowitz

    Comments from a transplanted Miami native…

    Many years ago, there was an article in the Parade Magazine supplement of the Sunday Miami Herald by a reporter who had moved his family out of Miami back home to the “small town” home he grew up in. He didn’t want them growing up in a city where the FBI was outgunned by the bad guys (I remember it well as I lived nearby) or his kids felt threatened just going to school and you made sure no one knew you had a rental car as crooks were targeting tourists who wandered into unsafe areas.

    I believe he grew up in Racine, Wisconsin, but I am sure someone will correct me if I am wrong.

    Anyway in the first few weeks “back home”, his wife was mugged, there was a raid at his kids school where they found guns in the locker rooms and his delusion about how much safer it was in other parts of the country was shattered.

    Now Miami is once again named as the worst city to live in…and I can certainly understand why it could be labeled as such. Just a couple of months ago, I was back visiting for my 50-year high school reunion.

    DRIVING – I live just south of Los Angeles, but I have never seen drivers do what I observed there driving on I-95. Drivers were regularly crashing through barriers to restricted lanes because the traffic was too heavy for them to wait. I even saw an 18-wheeler cross over while cars on the other side were traveling at speeds in excess of 60 miles an hour.

    LANGUAGES – While I love the diversity and cosmopolitan nature of Miami, it is somewhat disconcerting to go into a business or restaurant and find that no one speaks English. Is it a wonder that people often joke that it is the only city in the United States you need a visa to go to?

    FRIENDLINESS – I have so many fond memories of the way Miami used to be. It doesn’t seem to be that way now. Between the road rage and income and cultural disparity, with so many people closed off into their own world, it is a far cry from the melting pot that once inhabited this city…and this country.

    The problem is that looking back at how things were does not give an accurate picture of how things are…in Miami or anywhere else. Like the reporter who moved his family back home, I realize that every place has its pros and cons. Florida may have its hurricanes, but my good friends here in Southern California choose to forget about our earthquakes and fires as do the Midwesterners choose to forget their tornadoes and floods.

    Nowhere is perfect. Let’s try to focus on the positives…without forgetting the possible dangers that may lie in wait.

  • Fernando Ybus

    Turning Signals is something people here are not working on. I was living in San Francisco and I get amazed how people drive here. Don’t get me wrong, I love Miami, but it’s just a matter of being respectful and following the law.

  • Joshua

    You do not realize how uncivilized Miami is until you leave it and live among people who: 1) speak English 2) have manners 3) read books 4) have ambition 5) smile and greet you on the elevator 6) care about the USA, not just the horrible third-world country they came from 6) are worldly. Also, having 11 months of atrocious,humid, miserable weather is not healthy….it is so amazing to have 4 seasons and see the beauty in all of them….Miami is Hot, hotter and hottest….Humidity makes people agitated, irritable and angry. As a Miami-born native, I have seen it through all of the different phases and spent too many years being unhappy, HOT and claustrophobic. Moving To D.C. was the best decision I ever made. I am amazed at how much I was missing out on living in that swamp. I hope that any of you who want to get out but cannot, do not give up. There is LIFE outside of that hellhole……

  • Jerry Edelman

    I appreciate the “tongue in cheek” nature of the article. But the sad reality is that MUCH of what is laughed at about Miami and the county it exists in is TRUE. The political corruption and how the community has turned a blind eye to it almost guarantees that conditions will never improve. Being an animal rights advocate, very active in fighting for the humane treatment of animals in the county’s many neighborhoods and at the local shelter, I can say with certainty that it is IMMORAL the way animals are treated and it is a sad reflection upon the diverse population within the county that conditions have NOT improved for many decades. While the local politicians dishonestly quote DISHONEST statistics about imaginary improvements, both within the ONE SHELTER that serves the entire county, which BTW is run by one of the most corrupt and criminal elements in management of a public department I have ever seen, to the conditions of the extremely large population of stray animals that the county has no plan to deal with, other than to completely ignore as if this can make the suffering go away. To the blatant ignoring of cries for help from some residents, such as in the REDLANDS, where animals are dumped, many of which have been abused or involved in criminal activities. while politicians simply chose to ignore and yet the citizens continue to re-elect, term after term, while the animals suffer…What does that say about a society that turns this blind eye to the suffering of the voiceless, whether human or animal? What does that say about the political “leaders” that rely on LIES to get re-elected and do absolutely nothing to change the deplorable conditions that exist in many areas of the county for both people AND animals? We can’t continue to cover up the abuses with LYING STATISTICS. These lies end up in RED GARBAGE bags of animals being dumped into landfills while the people running the shelter and the politicians who support the lies continue to reap the benefits of those lies. These lies give political advantages to influential “friends” of these corrupt politicians that line their pockets and help win elections. And the local residents get saddled with deals such as the Marlins stadium project that sane business people called one of the WORST financial deals a local government could ever approve. And yet these politicians continue to get re-elected. So while I have focused on just a couple of issues of my concern, they are sadly indicative of the many problems within the city and the county. And I guess the underlying issue is the apathy of many of the residents to get involved in the political process and educate themselves on what the TRUTH is about who they elect and what exactly those elected are doing to improve the conditions for a large section of the county. Sections that have been ignored for decades. So yes there is a lot that is great about Miami. But sadly there is a lot that is NOT. And that should be a focus as well. It is simply not good enough to acknowledge that the bad exists or blame those who do take an interest in pointing it out. But we must all get involved in helping to solve the problems and get educated on the issues that may actually help to solve some of the bad…

  • enoughisafeast

    Miami is a big playground and not to be taken seriously.

  • Hialaya Jahaya

    Earth N’ Us Farm (Miami) . . . Eucalyptus Gardens (Wilton Manors) . . . Pineapple Grove Arts District . . . and . . . Wakodahatchee Wetlands (Delray) . . . . . . Tree Tops Park . . . and . . . Bob Roth’s New River Groves (Davie) . . . Arts Park at Young Circle (Hollywood) . . . Weekly community drum circles, potlucks, healing gatherings, jam sessions (throughout all of SoFlo) . . . beautiful islands, palm trees, coconuts, and tropical fruits galore . . . the best restaurants, nature parks, and arts scene in the nation. Ocean waves, rainbows, and constant warmth. . . . .Good gosh, yeah, it really REALLY sucks here. I can’t wait to escape this horrible area of the world. 😀

  • Carlos Martin

    Far as I’m concerned let them hate us if it makes them all stay where they are and not move down here. No Vacancy, we’re full.

  • Carlos Augusto Diaz

    Probably is because we are full of New Yorker’s!!

  • ShayInMia

    You forgot that we have to put up with tourists who trash our city, treat natives like roaches and tip like caca. We do have our limits. You want nice, go to Texas. You want to party and get a tan, welcome to Miami!

  • Stephanie Pion

    you just had to go after the apple pie..didnt you ..lol……. Miami the only city in the united states where you dont need a passport to leave the country
    embrace it for all that it is ..or it will eat you alive mercilessly lol

  • NAILED IT!! thanks for the blog fodder and you forgot bugs http://www.miamism.com/florida-bugs-101-the-real-scoop/

  • michaelbuzz

    “They” are just jealous!

  • adamold

    you left off worst place to get Korean food.