In the last two days, Miami was deemed both the worst and the rudest city in the United States. We hear you, America. We’re the worst.
But, hey, let us save you some trouble when you’re naming Miami as the worst in your next clickbait listicle. We actually live here. We know exactly how and why we’re the worst. Grab a cafecito. Pull up a chair. We got you.
10. Worst city for winter fashion
When the department stores roll out their winter lines, that is our cue to stop visiting the mall for a couple of months. That fluffy sweater looks so cozy. Will we buy it? Hell no. We already have a sweater for the veritable Hoth that is the office in summer A/C mode. We’ve been wearing the same coat we begged our moms for in middle school. When the temperature drops below 60, we trot that bad boy out. By now, it’s so unfashionable that it’s fashionable again.
9. Worst city for hippie hygiene
Office A/C aside, it’s hotter than forty hells here in the summer and that crystal deodorant ish you heard about at Bonnaroo just doesn’t cut it in our swamp. We take showers here. Lots of ’em. Hell, I took three showers yesterday because I walked to the mailbox twice. Scrub-a-dub-dub, hacere. Patchouli? Nah. 40 spritzes of Cool Water in the the car before you go into the office or GTFO.
8. Worst city for Americano fruit
To hell with your mealy apples, your stupid seedy blackberries in your grandmother’s vintage basket, your persimmons (What even is that?), your B- pears. We like our fruit delicious, thanks. Give us mango. Give us mamey. Give us sapodilla, guanabana, lychee. We don’t want your dumb pie. Our fruits don’t need to be soaked in simple syrup and papered over with pastry. Our fruits are sweet enough to eat off the damn ground, son. And when we do make fruit pies (Hey, key lime, we see you.), our pies are about that true fruit flavor.
7. Worst city for Ethiopian food
OK, this one is for real, though. We’re finally getting decent Asian eats, but where is the Ethiopian food? Can someone please recruit some delightful Ethiopian chefs to come down here and end our long Sheba-less nightmare? We just Yelped “Ethiopian food” near Miami, and we got TWO hits — one in Lauderdale Lakes and a questionable listing in Boca. No. No, ma’am. What do we want? We want wot!
6. Worst city for punctuality
Miami time. It is an eternal mystery and an everlasting truth. No one can tell you exactly what it is, it’s mostly just a feeling. Best to embrace it, lest it compromise your sanity.
5. Worst city to be a Jets fan
Everybody hates you. For real. You’re the worst. Go away.
4. Worst city for non-Spanish-speakers
How do we live here with our crappy cafeteria Spanish? We miss all the jokes. We’re never in the dopest spots. We rely on the kindness of our infinitely cooler friends or coworkers or dates. Pobrecitos.
3. Worst city for people who can’t dance
Your rhythmless half-assed indie-rock head nod isn’t gonna cut it at abuela’s birthday party, amigo. Take some lessons. Get some help. At least learn some merengue or something, jeeeeeez.
2. Worst city for turn signals
What is that stick on the side of the steering wheel for? We don’t know. We have never tried it. Our friend Caro said she heard it may make the car blow up if you touch it. Stay safe out there, Miami. *Taps chest, kisses fist, points up to Papa Dios.*
1. Worst city to call worst city
We’ve been hearing how terrible Miami is since the ’80s. It’s fine. Keep it up if it makes you feel better. It’s just so, so played.
Yes, we all have a lot of work to do. Yes, a lot of things are bad, real bad — gun violence, inequality and affordability, sea level rise, civic engagement, transit. We get it. Thanks for letting us know. Good work. We wouldn’t have any idea what to do without your tremendous ability to point out how shitty we are.
Guess what, though? Every day we’re here, we meet more and more people who are working their asses off on all those big problems in their neighborhoods, in our cities, in our non-profits, our arts scene, our businesses. So, yeah, we live in the worst city. Sure. Now, please excuse us as we continue to try like hell to make a future here. No thanks, of course, to your lists, which are quite possibly the worst lists in America.