Eight do’s and don’ts to survive Ultra like a local

It’s Ultra, aka Miami Music Week, aka Winter Music Conference.

We got the gals from Miami XL, Ximena Aliaguilla and Lourdes Duarte (our own local experts who went that one time) to give us their tips.

One: If attending Ultra at Bayfront Park (key word: park) wear sensible footwear. Or risk pata sucia status.

Two: Madrinas and padrinos, don’t choose the weekend of March 24th to finally take those beautiful and innocent godchildren of yours to the Pérez Art Museum. There will be nudity. And drugs. And nude people on drugs. Making out with trees.

Three: If you have work on Monday, do not cover your body in glitter or allow yourself to be hugged by shiny, happy people covered in glitter. It’ll take a week to come out.

Four: Do not drive into, around, or within a two mile radius of the Downtown Miami area that weekend. Bike. Walk. Run. Paddleboard if you must. Take the Metrorail or Metromover in.

Five: If you live in the South Beach or Downtown areas but won’t be attending the festivities, consider renting your place to non-local attendees for the weekend at an average of about $500, and crash on your mom’s couch in Kendall.

Six: Stay away from the American Airlines Arena. Do yourself a favor and take your talents to your couch for the Heat at Celtics game that Sunday, March 26th. Little known secret: Burnie the mascot is really just a Kandi raver.

Seven: No matter where you are, you may still run into out-of-towners here for the festival. Be friendly so we don’t keep ending up on lists of rude cities. Start by knowing the simple basics of Electronic Dance Music genres and artists. Also, Drumstep is a DJ. Dubstep is a genre. Dubfire is a DJ. Drum and Bass is a genre. Techno is a genre.  Technostep is a DJ… in the Drum and Bass genre.

Eight: Molly is not a real person. “Yay” is not Kanye West. And vivaporu is not used the way your grandmother used it.

Whether you attend or not, just plan ahead and be prepared. And have fun.