So you’re ready to move to Canada

This campaign season has got us all feelin’ some type of way.

From a Bernie bro fart-in at the Democratic National Convention to the time Melania Trump got confused and thought she was Michelle Obama…this whole circus might make you wanna just throw your hands up and move to Canada — where the syrup is sweet, the people are polite, and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is all of the above and then some.

Here he is finding calm during a time of stress.

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Here he is orchestrating the world’s most awkward handshake like a pro.

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And best of all… here he is dancing bhangra (He is not very good. Still, my Indian heart is swelling with happiness.)

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Miami’s no stranger to Canadian love — come winter every year Canadian snowbirds flock to our sunny shores. Two years ago, Canadians spent $2.2 billion on homes throughout the state, making them the largest foreign investor in Floridian real estate for the seventh straight year.Canada is also the fifth largest foreign investor in South Florida currently.

And Miami in particular is home to the state’s only Canadian consulate.

We’ve got plenty of awesome Canadians living here, too — like urban planner Richard Florida (who we wrote about here) who splits his time between Toronto and Miami. Or the computer whizzes Juha and Johanna Mikkola who started Wyncode, one of Miami’s first coding bootcamps.

There’s also Leigh-Ann Buchanan, the executive director of Venture Cafe, who happens to work right here in our building at CIC Miami. (We picked her brain a little after running into her in the cafeteria for this piece.)

With this crazy election (there’s already a campaign to elect Canada for President instead of the Hillz and Trump) there are a bunch of you…

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But if you’re thinking about relocating from sunny Florida to ice cold Canada, you better be prepared.

We made some starter packs to help you get it together before you bounce.

Let’s start with the most important thing: Food.

If you’re going to be Canadian now, you better get with the poutine.

And it’s not a hard thing to get on board with. It’s basically a pile of french fries topped with cheese curds and drizzled with light brown gravy. Canadians, especially in Montreal, love this stuff. They’re also all about the smoked meats over on the east coast.

“Believe it or not, poutine isn’t the only thing we eat,” cautioned Buchanan. “On the west coast we love Nanaimo Bars.”

Nanaimo Bars have three layers: a graham cracker/nutty base and a chocolate top with custard in the middle.

Also Canadians love ketchup. They put it on mac and cheese. Eat it with their grilled cheese. They even have ketchup flavored chips. Sooo if you don’t mess with ketchup… just stay home until you can figure it out.

And of course you can’t forget the maple syrup. You should probably just take a spout and hammer with you to lodge into the trees and just drown in the sweet stuff drown.

Put away the cortaditos, because in Canada they’re all about the double-double, which is coffee from Tim Hortons, with two creams and two sugars.

Up next: Manners.

Etiquette isn’t really our thing in Miami — we’re more about the brazen, in your face “if you don’t love me at my worst you deserve me at my best” way of communicating.

“Excuse me” or “I’m sorry” is probably not a phrase you hear often — but you better start practicing, because Canadians apologize a minimum of 100 times a day. Even to inanimate objects.

Don’t believe us? Just Google “Canadian graffiti.”

If there’s one thing Canadians really hate, it’s being politically incorrect. If you make a mildly racist comment, you will be shunned, according to Buchanan.

There’s also a bunch of Canadian slang you might want to brush up on.

Socks and sandals. Umm. (Courtesy of Dan Monsieurle/Flickr Creative Commons)
Socks and sandals. Umm. (Courtesy of Dan Monsieurle/Flickr Creative Commons)

Say goodbye to your wintertime BBQs — because in Canada you’ve gotta get used to stuntin’ in them igloos. Make friends with the snow angels, bb, because it’s cold AF up there. Sure, right now it’s 28 C (aka 82 F) and sunny in Toronto, but come winter get used to that -22°C (-8°F) life.

Oh, and you better turn in your hot pink chancletas for some Birkenstocks with socks and your bikini for an obligatory First Nation knit sweater, which are literally everywhere.

It’s going to be hard to do, but it’s time to put away your Daddy Yankee and Trina, because Canadian music is kinda the shit.

We’ve got Toronto to thank for Drake and The Weeknd. British Columbia, gave us Nelly Furtado. And you can’t talk about Canadian music without mentioning the ultimate boy wonder Justin Bieber.

There you have it, basically everything you need to know before moving to Canada. We know that legal marijuana and universal health care is nice and all but please promise you’ll come back and visit once in a while? We’ll miss you.